Come On, Get Happy!

That is my goal for the coming year.  The one thing that I've always wanted to be, despite being an actress, was to be happy.  Being happy meant feeling good about life. Now, why wouldn't you want that? Over the past three years it seems being happy was too good to be true. I felt like everything bad kept happening one after another and didn't give me a chance to breath.

Everyone kept telling me that being upset and grumpy was a choice. I disagreed with that because why would anyone want to feel upset and grumpy all the time? It didn't make any sense to me. After that I started thinking, If being upset and grumpy was a choice then being happy was also a choice. Why doesn't everyone just choose to be happy??

Because it's easier said than done. It was easier to feel upset which is why everyone was more upset than happy and felt justified. For me I am choosing to be happy, not for my family, my friends or my work but for me. I realized a long time ago that you need to do things for yourself and not for other people to be truly happy.

The time you'll fail is when you start making changes and goals for other people. I learned that the hard way. Ever since I was in Jr. High I was over weight (still am) and I really wanted to be skinny. I would go on diets in hopes to be skinny and have the popular kids like me and the boys to like me. The diets never worked, which is why I'm sitting here today at the age of 26 and I'm still over weight.

I realized that you can't change things about your life or body just to please other people, it won't work. In the end you have to live with the results, not them. So you need to be happy with the results and the way things are going. Today I can finally say that I'm taking charge of my life and my happiness and I'm doing it for me. I decided to go on a psychical transformation and try to get done to 120lbs by mid June.

I'm sick of feeling sad and depressed and I want to feel happy and enjoy life. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to enjoy life while on my journey of getting healthy. I also decided to stop drinking. I would go out to the bar with friends almost every Wednesday and get drunk (I'm a light weight) and I really need to stop that. I was drinking for the wrong reasons and those reasons could turn deadly.

I'm going to start eating  healthy and going to the gym almost every day and drink a gallon of water a day and no sodas. I'm really determined to make this happen so I'm cutting out  all soda, candies, sugary foods, fast food, everything that will pack on the pounds.

Hopefully when I go on my family vacation to California this June I will be at my target weight of 120lbs. Maybe I can get skinnier than that. ;) Gotta take things one pound at a time.

Random Rants

I went back to my old ways. I signed up for a couple of online dating websites. I know I really need to stop doing that since I never have any luck with them. For me it's right in the middle of being a good thing and a bad one. The good part is, I get a lot of guys emailing me and telling me that I'm really pretty.

The bad part is, that all the guys that email me are freakin' creepers and some of them are in their late 40's to early 50's. I'm sorry but the only guy I would consider dating that's in his 40's is Jeremy Renner. Yum!  If it turns out to be another snoozefest, I'll delete my account tomorrow.

Maybe I should just look online to see if there's any speed dating events that's going on around my area. I've always wanted to try speed dating but I never could find one. Finally got registered for school. Right now I'm doing my generals and right after I get my Associate Degree, I'm going to get my BA in English and get licensed as a Mortician.

Still trying to lose weight. I stopped the Slim Fast diet cause I forgot to continue doing it and I gained two pounds. I wish losing weight was as easy as gaining it, that would be amazing. I start my first class in Mortuary of Science in two weeks. My first assignment is to write an obituary about myself. I told my parents about that and they thought it was a little morbid.

But hey, we need to learn how to write one since that's going to be apart of the job of being a Mortician. I'm really looking forward to this class, I think it's going to be a lot of fun. I put in my two weeks at my job. I'm still going to be working in retail but I'm going to be working in a store that's six minutes away from my house versus thirty minutes.

Here's to new beginnings. To new jobs, new school, new body (wahoo!) and new adventures. :)

New Years Resolution

It's the new year once again and I always have the same New Years Resolution. LOSE WEIGHT. But this time around, I think I'll actually accomplish this goal. I weighed myself this morning and I'm up to 150 pounds. NOOOOOOO!!!! Damn those yummy coca colas. I really want to be 115 pounds so I went internet searching to find a diet plan I can stick to.

I found that the Slim Fast diet was the easiest one I could do and it taste good. That's one of my problems, I'm a big picky eater and I couldn't do a lot of the diets since they tasted nasty but the Slim Fast diet taste great. I also decided to keep a journal of my progress.

If I lose two pounds a week, I'll be able to hit my target weight by the middle of May. That would be perfect cause I plan on going to Vegas the week after Father's Day in June. I've been to Vegas many times growing up but I've always went with my parents so I could never experience Vegas how I would like to.

You see, my parents don't drink and they don't like when I drink so I couldn't drink when I was with them. I plan on going to Vegas and having the true Vegas experience which means I plan on getting super drunk the whole entire time I'm there. :D Yeah, my parents won't like that but hey, I need to do this at least once in my life before I die so damn it, I'm gonna do it.

Here's to the new year full of exciting new adventures and hopefully new changes for a better life. And here's to being skinny and hot for Vegas! ;)

Sleep Those Little Slices of Death. How I loathe them.

It's 4am and I am a 'victim' of caffeine induced insomnia. I use the term victim very loosely since I chose this. I worked till Midnight tonight and now I have to be to work the following day at 8:45am so I thought, "Hey, why not stay up all night?" Because normal people go to sleep at a regular time instead of throwing an all night shindig.

As I type this, Jeremiah is laying on top of my arms so it makes it a little difficult to write this post. Oh well. I'm super excited for Christmas. Even though I work in retail and the holidays are literally Hell on earth in this business, I refuse to let asshole customers ruin my Christmas spirit. 

I'm trying to decide whether I should go to bed since I have to leave for work in three hours and forty five minutes, or stay up and do my hair. Too many choices!!  I might just do my hair and take a "nap" till I have to leave for work. Ugh! I really don't want to work on Christmas Eve, it's going to be a freakin' mad house.

I finished up all of my Christmas shopping a couple of weeks ago and got them wrapped and put under the tree. I'm the only one out of my siblings that's still unmarried and living at home with my parents. That's a good and bad thing. Good thing, more presents for me on Christmas! Wahoo! Bad thing, it's kind of embarrassing being the last one to get married when you're not even the youngest out of the siblings. 

You start to wonder if something is 'wrong' with you and it puts a real dent in your self esteem. The longer I stay up, the more whacked out I become. Good thing I have a nice big Red Bull waiting for me to drink in a few hours. I'm gonna need it since it's going to be super busy at work. At least I have the next two days off so maybe then I can actually go to sleep at a normal time. ;)

P.s. I'll read this in a few days to see if It actually makes sense.

Walking In A Winter Wonderland

I woke up this morning to snow. I really don't like snow, I hate being cold. I'm in the wrong state. I blame my parents for that one. You see, I live in Utah, the state where it snows in May and sometimes July. Bizarre weather we get. I wonder if Mother Nature is PMSing since she has a crap load of mood sings.

Christmas is less than a week away and I need to get one last gift and then I am officially done with my Christmas shopping. I'm the type of person that will give a gift not expecting a gift in return. I love giving gifts and seeing their excitement when they open it up. 

I wonder if I should get a new pet bed for Jeremiah since he peed in his last one and I think my Dad threw it away. Hmmm.... As I try to type this post Jeremiah wont stop jumping on me trying to lick my face and stick his tongue in my ear and biting my chin. I have a strange cat but I wouldn't trade him in for anything.

Even though I hate the snow and the cold weather I do like to look at it.  In the right setting, snow looks beautiful and it really looks magical. It becomes less magical when you have to drive in it and say a prayer to God that you don't die on your way to work. 

The joys of living in Utah. I think I need to move to Arizona where it's nice and hot and you don't have to worry about the weather affecting your driving plans like snow does. Maybe one day, whenever I  get married, me and my husband will move to Arizona and be happy. A girl can dream. ;)

Another thing about the winter season that I like besides Christmas. Hot Chocolate! :D

My Awkward Life.....

It's almost the new year. It's nice knowing that 2013 hasn't been as bad as 2010 to 2012. I've had my ups and downs throughout the year but in the end it has been a great one. Trying to figure out how to better my life has been a challenge. Every time I think I've made it to where I'm suppose to be, something else always pops up to remind me that I'm not.

I've spent pretty much my whole life obsessing about being an actress in Hollywood. That was my dream goal. Knowing that it's not going to happen and that's not where you're suppose to be is very heart breaking. I know, I know It's just Hollywood but to me Hollywood was everything. I needed to be there, making movies, smoozing  with all the young , hot Hollywood hunks.

Well, to be able to be in Hollywood and audition for movies, you really need to not have anxiety or at least have it under control. That I do not have down. My anxiety is so bad, just the thought of going in for an audition makes me sick to my stomach. So, maybe Hollywood isn't for me.

I do have another passion that I would love to see happen. I love to write and always wanted to publish a novel. I could be the next Stephen King. BIG shoes to fill on that one. I know publishing a novel is more likely to happen and my anxiety won't stop me from doing it. I have big plans for the new year. I'm going to continue to try and lose weight.

My goal is to get down to 115 by the time me and my family go on our annual family vacation to Las Vegas and California. I'm 141 right now at 5'2. I've decided to go back to school and do my generals. I really wish I didn't put it off and wait till I was 25 to do it. I had to be ready and I needed to figure out what I was going back to school for.

I'm going for my BA in English and I'm going to minor in Creative Writing. I think the reason why I've waited so long to go back to school is because of the whole anxiety thing. I didn't want to go alone. I have to explain why my anxiety is so bad. In school growing up I wasn't part of the popular crowd. I wasn't very pretty, I was overweight and eccentric.  I also wear hearing aids.

To the popular kids, wearing hearing aids was bad. I've been called the strangest names. They've called me Hearing Aid Girl. Yeah, I know. Not very bright. All this time I thought that was a superhero name. Turns out they were making fun of me. Idiots. Also, could they of thought of a better name than Hearing Aid Girl? I like Deaf Freak better.

Because of that I developed Social Anxiety which made me put off going back to school. Thankfully, my little sister is going back to finish her generals and she needs to do a History and English class. That is perfect for me since I love those classes and now I won't have to go alone. I do however have to go alone for my Math class cause my sister already completed that class. Ugh! I hate Math! That's one class I'm not looking forward to.

I've been in and out of therapy for post traumatic stress disorder ( that's for a different post) over the past couple of years and I am starting to think that it's time to go back. I just want my life to be better and I want to feel better. I think going back to school will be good for me, this way I can meet new people and make new friends. And maybe I can finally get a boyfriend. Hmmm... 
The lack of boyfriends will be for another post. To end this post I hope you continue to read my blog and go on this very exciting journey of bettering my life.

I'm just your good old fashioned 25 year old girl who decided to embrace her eccentric side and turned Gothic Glam into an art form. When I say I love horror movie, I mean I REALLY love horror movies. I look like your typical horror Gothic girl. But don't worry, my bark is worse than my bite. ;)

*Peace, Love & Bubblegum* - Jenny